How to Kill God

This article makes the following assumptions:

1. That God exists 

2. That all the common myths and stories about God are true

3. God is omnipotent, omnipresent and a perfect being

4. God made us in God’s image

For personal convenience, I will be referring to God with the pronouns She/Her because of the following:

1. This might just be a controversial article so why not?

2. What is God’s gender? What does God identify as? For all we know, God is a progressive transgender liberal with pansexual tendencies. 

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I watch a lot of stand-up comedians and storytellers. And their shows usually follow a basic pattern: setup, midbody content of distracting elements, and punchline. This pattern is recycled and remixed over and over again through countless YouTube clips and Netflix specials. For this article I will follow a similar format, but I shall begin with my endgame.

I. The Endgame: Death of God

In the book Da Vinci Code, Dan Brown poses a simple suggestion. The question is not when to die, the question is how. Death is something that has plagued the minds of many scholars since the dawn of humanity. 

For thousands of centuries, Man established an unbreakable Law upon the concept of Death. “Only God is in control of when and how we die.” And from there, we received countless movies and TV shows about how our beloved heroes take destiny into their own hands and discard fate as if it were there personal concubine. 

But today we gather here, on this page of this article, written by someone no one knew existed, to ask you, reader, these questions: “What if we killed the sole owner of Death? Who would the ownership pass on to? Is God bound to the same rules of Fate as we are? Would Death itself vanish from existence?”

These questions are… tough questions. If they could be answered in a way to satisfy everyone, they would have been by now. It is the year 2020, we have survived four false predictions of the world ending starting with the World Wars, the 2012 apocalypse movies and the 2020 memes. The only way I believe we can answer these questions is by seeing it for ourselves.

I personally, do not have the circumstances necessary to go through with this plan, but I have written this article to aid those in the future who might find themselves in a situation where they might have to kill God. You are welcome. 

The main thing to keep in mind for this plan to succeed is the endgame. Death of God. Whatever happens, God must die. 

II. Setup: Marriage to God

Alright, the first step is to get married to God. This is not entirely impossible. The major deciding factor is whether God exists or not. For this article, we assume God does. The next factor, is how do we get God to marry our protagonist? Let us call our protagonist, “Harry.” How do we get God to marry Harry? 

We need research for this. Who are God’s representatives on Earth? Saints and Miracle workers. Yeah but it is November 2020. No such person alive. So, we go to the next best thing, priests and nuns and temple heads. These are people who claim to have a direct line to God at all times. We get them to act as proxy for God or somehow get God herself to come down here. Of course, you might look at me funny when I say proxy. This isn’t what you promised us! 

Listen. Look at any of the sacred religious texts that God made Man write in Her name. They all at some point in some form say that God is omnipresent and exists in each and every one of us. By logic, I suppose it is fair to assume that these priests who have a direct connection to God, might have some extra of God in them. And for all you non-believing naysayers, why must God have a problem with it? If she exists in each of us, this whole thing is Her idea. 

But let’s take it one step further. What are people most vulnerable to saying yes to? Transactions! It’s easiest to say yes when you are getting something in return. So, let us think of this marriage as a transaction. What does Harry have, that God would want? Why would God want to marry Harry? The answer is quite simple. She has no choice but to. According to the sacred texts of practically all religions in existence, God is a perfect being. Perfection is a relative concept. What if Harry’s reading frame of perfection dictates God must marry him? God would have no choice but to accept. 

Problem solved.

Harry shall find a priest or nun or someone who claims religious power and marry them. They shall act as proxy to God herself. 

III. Midbody content: The Murder

Yes of course this is a murder. Murder is defined as the taking of life. One could argue that since God is in each of us, it is suicide. But I could also argue that suicide is a kind of murder where the assailant and victim just happen to be the same person.  

Anyway, Harry must kill God. How? To answer this, we must clarify something extremely important. Another major thing described in sacred religious texts is that God made us in God’s image. 

What are we? We are humans. So God must be human too. There are two theories of mine here:

1. Upon marriage, God had no choice but to accept and was transformed into the human proxy that was produced at the altar. So God is now this human. 

2. God is transformed into human form every time she has to interact with her married partner. 

Which theory we use, does not matter in the long run. Either way, the endgame must be kept in sight and God must be killed. From here, it is quite easy. We have mortalized God. God is now mortal. God now has the capacity of death. Drive a stake or a Mercedes through her, poison her with cyanide, crucify her, use whichever method is suitable to your personality. My job here is done.